The above taken from Nietsche a German, Latin, and Greek scholar, poet and composer. The line was found in a current book I'm reading "Life After Life" by Kate Atkinson, which by the way is EXCELLENT! Nietsche took that line from Pindar (a lyric Greek poet from Thebes)- when translating Pindar's Greek line to English his line means: "Become such as you are, having learned what that is."
I'm forever learning that, but I really like that- become such as your are- based on what I've learned about myself.
Yesterday I broke. I was trying to lift the weight and bar with my right leg sitting at the leg extension machine at PT. My right quad was quivering right in front of my eyes as I tried to lift it. You know that quivering when your legs are really fatigued and you begin to shake from weakness. Well that's what I was feeling and seeing. Seeing not just feeling let the flood gates open and I broke.
Why I broke, because this was the first rep, not the 10 or 20th. It was the first. I couldn't lift the weight. WTF- why had I regressed?
I knew the answer and it came from the "event" that occurred at the end of February. I had gone to the gym and rode a flat easy ride with little to no resistance on the spin bike (15 min for 5 miles) followed by leg extension weight machine and leg press machine doing single leg presses. I left feeling great and that I had a productive workout. The next day I was at work and just felt strain in my right knee and by that night it was swollen and even more swollen the next day and by Friday I had total discomfort bending my leg in and extending it out. I couldn't do a thing at PT on Friday. He, my PT, measured the swelling and wrote down numbers, discussed that this was likely just a small kink in the road and maybe I had either had the seat too low and really bent my knee when riding or I did too much weight with too much bend on the leg press machine. Like I tell my own patients when they come and see me for fainting/syncope, I can't totally determine the cause of their faint, but I can hypothesize what may have happened. Well now I was the patient and I was experiencing the hypothesizing that really gives the patient no true answer.
So I rested, iced and elevated and pretty much stayed off it. The next week I didn't have PT because I was in Las Vegas, and then the next week I was in Alabama for spring break. I walked, I did some squats, toe raises, and "quad clenches" (squeezing your quad and holding it to increase the muscle firing and build up muscle) during this time off, but with the swelling taking longer than I expected I really didn't push myself.
Then yesterday came, after a really good workout week- Mon, Tue, and Wed up and doing some cardio and weights at 5:30 a.m. ( this after having a "come to you know who talk" with Coach (aka Hubby)- basics of the talk: I can't train for a race and I can't really "run" but I can train or plan workouts that get me in shape so what's stopping me). Despite the early morning rolling out of bed it was worth it and felt good and I felt purposeful in my workouts, which I hadn't felt in awhile.
So despite the good workout week, no swelling, seeing my quad so weak was utterly frustrating and I broke.
My tears I'm pretty sure freaked PT man out, but he handled it well running for a Kleenex box and handing tissues my way. I just told him what I felt in my head- I am frustrated, I'm worried what this means for me long term, and I was struggling with feeling so lost from my conversations on running, racing, and training. I enjoy interacting with others who have the same hobby/passion to train, race, etc. The night before I had two different discussions with women at my daughter's hockey banquet about races they would be running. We talked about how hard it was to find that ugly word "balance" with being moms, professionals, and runners. I miss those talks, I miss those feelings of figuring out the workouts, work and life "to do's" for the week. Right now I'm living vicariously through other's race schedules, workouts and soon to be races. It is I've found at times painful.
I'm not resentful of these people, but I worry that I will never again experience those feelings, those accomplishments and that life. I've also felt lost with my writing because for so long I've always written about my racing, training, and the life that intertwines those things.
I wanted to write a book about my year of training for 70.3 tri and what that encompassed and what I learned about myself through that journey. I'm doubting the validity or the importance of that writing because I'm no longer feeling like that person, and my goal with writing it was to be a motivational read on how an "everyday woman" could accomplish a "big" in hopes that others would be inspired to go out and do their "big" even if they feel they are "everyday" too. It is hard to feel inspirational and write thus when trying to figure out the "now what" after injury, surgery and continued rehab.
So when I read the above line "become who you are" it really resonated with me. I have some work to do because I do want to "become who [I] am". I know "Who [I] am"- I'm an extrovert, mother of two, professional, friend, sister, daughter, wife, reader, writer, sensitive soul, and one who loves and needs other's in her life. It is time to embrace the "become who you are" and move forth with all the little bumps, tears, frustrations, and triumphs.