Monday, October 28, 2013

It's been too long...

I have missed writing.  I think those of us that blog do so because we like to write and put down our thoughts. It is therapeutic- at least for me. I haven't done very much writing lately (blog, journal, kid's books, or even letters).  I've truly been missing it.  I have thought about so many different topics I can write about and haven't done it.  I've always heard that if you are going to be a writer, you have to write a lot.  Not that I'm going to be an author any time soon, but if you enjoy writing and getting your ideas down on paper why wouldn't you?

So I don't like the excuse "I've been so busy"- because I truly believe that you make time for those things in your life that mean the most to you, but sometimes other areas of life take up more time and energy than others. I've been busy finishing up my racing season (another post another time), working on getting the Little Free Library donations and Reach Out and Read donations (aka-having a fun girl's night party at my house with all my favorite peeps), finishing the building of our house (no I'm not doing manual later, but I tell you if I didn't work part time I don't know how we would be getting all the numerous meetings and errands done during the work week), working on NP organization, and lastly trying to be a mom.  I know I should be putting down being a good wife, but fortunately hubbie and me are good with each other and so not a focus right now (I know may come back to bite me).  I don't list all these varied "to do's" as an excuse, but sometimes it helps to write stuff down and give myself a break in regard to my lack of writing.  We only have so much time in the day. 

Like right at this moment I'm sitting in one of my favorite buildings (Library- know you guessed it) and trying not to pull my hair out of my head as my oldest pain stakingly re-writes his spelling list, because his nice spelling sheet he brings home on Monday has been colored with pencil all over and I shouldn't have to strain my eyes to read his spelling words right?  Yep sometimes we have to spend time on things that are painfully energy sucking!  The time it has taken me to write this post and spell check it and edit we are still working on wonderful spelling worksheet- grin and bare it. 

But this is the time of my life I'm in- I'm starting to get it as I get older :)- you know recently turned the big 37.  Super Elderly!  A friend and I were discussing this "time" in my life in comparison to where she is at. We got to this  by me discussing my wonderful experience with my oldest getting  his flu shot.  Yep- took 3 medical assistants to hold him down- while as my youngest held still and nothing but one single crocodile tear rolled down her cheek.  She went first, thank the Lord, because after she witnessed her brother's antics I don't think she would have handled it so well.  So I was telling my friend all about this fun experience and she being older and wiser- you know older as in maybe 39 :).  Says, "as you get older you will stop worrying about others judging you"- like me thinking I looked like the "worst" mom in the world, because my oldest needs three lovely ladies to hold him down and get his annual flu shot.   We were talking about how as you age you become wiser and start to figure out life a little more easier.  Sometimes it is because you grow up and you figure out who you are- which I can attest to.

A few years ago I thought that I was a "bad" mom because the month after my first child I had no desire to soon parent again another baby/child, where as I felt surrounded by moms that just had their first child whom couldn't stop talking about having another.  I asked my husband one night if he thought my lack of desire to have another baby soon meant I was a bad mom?  He of course reassured me and I soon let it go to worry about other mothering/parenting things. For example-  guilt early in my motherhood when friends  would say "don't you love being off of work with your baby" and I would cringe thinking about how I was counting down the days until I could return to part time work and part time time away from my "challenging" child.  This also brought on guilt, because some of my friends didn't have the great maternity leave I had.  I know, I know feel like the whole theme of this post is "guilt". 

Looking back I was a first time, type A mom, who thought since she had a master's in pediatric health care of children (PNP) that I would know all the right answers and parent by the books I had studied- growth/development, milestones, etc.  Then with my second I was much easier on my self.  I still had the pressure to be a "great mom" and do what is "right" - aka- breastfeed my little one (which I never felt like I did well nor did I enjoy the feeling of being the sole nutrition provider).  But the crying didn't seem as much, and she slept easier, and I just felt like I was a "better" mom. 

Fast forward 8 years and my oldest is still a challenge and I still feel like I'm not the best mom, in comparison to all my other "mom" friends (some of my mom friends are saints in my book- they offer to have endless play dates at their home, are great teachers-always patient), but I'm doing the best I think I can.  Hopefully if I'm really screwing them up someone will tell me.  Not the lightest fair, but it is a post and I'm writing.  Looking forward to catching up on writing about books, running, and life. 

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