Sunday, April 22, 2012

Mommy's project 52: emotional

This adjective could be one of the most used adjectives to describe me.  From a very early age I remember being given this descriptor along with the infamous "demanding" adjective- but I'll leave "demanding" for another day.  

Emotional- I use to think that this adjective was negative, demeaning, and meant weakness.  However, I have started to embrace this adjective in my old age and see it more as a positive word.  For over the years of my "emotional" nature and being I have found this being "emotional" means- passionate, caring, observant, and hopefully lives life fully- or at least is always "demanding" a full life.  

Now my "emotional" being has not always been positive.  When I'm exhausted and if I don't go to bed right away watch out -the tears flow freely.  I also have identified that when I'm tired/over extended my "emotional" side makes me not handle being a mom in the most positive light- I end up raising my voice and being short with my kids. This is something I'm trying to work on.  However, my "emotional" being started long ago.

Since I was young I have always struggled with losing at games be them small or big: checkers against my dad during elementary school (dad wouldn't let me win and so mom finally had to take the checkers board away from us), losing high school volleyball matches, losing against my boyfriend in a friendly game of "pick up" tennis (side note my tears on the tennis court didn't drive him away and we've been happily married for 13 years, but we avoid playing tennis too often).

My emotional reaction to watching "Bambi" in the theaters was foreshadowing of many tears shed at movie watching for years to come.  My mom likes to tell the story that while all the other kids in the theater were running around watching the movie I was transfixed with the movie and couldn't fathom that Bambi's mom dies.  Tears were shed.  Then a few years later I went and watched "E.T.".  My sister, mom and dad got to not only witness tears in the theater, but the tears continued for at least 40 minutes after the movie had ended and we were driving home from the show.   Lets just say I let things really sink into me.  I need to do a better job seeing the beauty in this "emotional" state of true connect with the present experience.  I know continued tears 40 minutes after E.T. might be kind of concerning to some of you, but I really felt for E.T. and Elliot and couldn't get over how he lost a friend. 

Maybe that is why I take losing friends in real life so hard.  See when you are friends with an "emotional" person they give you their all- and if you aren't an "emotional" person it is hard to understand that and so it makes it hard when the friendship dissolves because the less "emotional" one walks away with no shed tears and me well I'm likely "stewing" over what went wrong many years later.  However, if you stay friends with me- the "emotional" being- you have someone who would do anything for you and likes true presence in "friendship"- meaning not a B.S. sort of relationship.  

I think the hardest thing for me to see is how my oldest child has my "emotional" nature.  You never want to see what you think are the "worst" parts of you in your child.  I know I just got done saying how my "emotional" being is a positive thing, not negative, but when it comes to witnessing your kiddo break down when he loses at "PIG" out on the driveway, if he misses 1 spelling word on his spelling test, or when tears comes to his eyes when Hans Solo gets put in carbonite at the end of the "The Empire Strikes Back".  So I'm not only learning how to see my "emotional" being as positive, but also trying to help my son learn how to accept his "emotional" being.  I'm hoping to help him use this "emotional" adjective to be "passionate, caring, observant and lives life to its fullest".  

Took me over an hour to try and accurately edit this post to reflect just how "passionate"- "emotional" I am about this Mommy's Project topic. I was also watching "Lethal Weapon 1" with hubby while typing so a little distracted, but no worries I didn't shed any tears during the movie. 

1 comment:

  1. I know just what you mean about seeing that side of yourself in your kids. My oldest is quite up and down, emotionally, like myself, and it's hard to watch. I do my best to help her manage her feelings and emotions, but there's only so much Mom can do.
    Great entry!