Friday, September 27, 2013

One of those weeks

I think the picture says it all. These were my checkouts at library this morning.

Being a parent, a mom, is hard for me. Don't know if I'm just not meant for the role or what. My oldest has challenged me from day 1. He didn't like to sleep as an infant. It made me not shed a tear when maternity leave was over. I needed to go back to work for some respite. While other friends of mine who had kids around same time period were talking about "can't wait tell the next one"- I was thinking nowhere near their thoughts on motherhood- thought this was a sign that I was not a good mom.

The challenges have continued. We are too much a like in so many ways- both emotional, overly sensitive, inpatient and easily frustrated. It is hard to see your least favorite traits in a mirror image- your child.

I'm not saying I am the worse mom ever or that I don't love my oldest child. I'm just wondering why it is hard for me and don't like that I feel like I'm failing him in some big ways through my inadequate parenting.

So I will read these books and let you know if I gleam any "aha" moments. I'm thinking not, but worth a try. I'm also realizing I just need to let some things go, give myself and him a break and move on. Moving on doesn't mean allowing "bad listening, pouting/whining, and emotional break downs" ( from both sides) to be acceptable but handling each day as it comes and trying to focus on the positives:not the negatives. This is going to be tough, because I'm not a forgiving person (one of my worst traits). I will let things bother me and bother me.

I can't be like this for the rest of my patenting life. I don't want to wish away my kid's years just because I'm not willing to or wanting to deal with their naughtiness or ill prepared or just incapable of parenting. I also want my kids to not grow up remembering all the negatives ( arguments, yelling, disappointed looks) but instead my finest parenting moments ( hugs , cuddles, talks, books read together, and those fun childhood memories that even at 36 years of age I still remember and warm my heart).

As I share my running escapades with whomever cares to read so do I share my parenting escapades- not for reassurance or judgement, just to admit it is tough- for some of us more than others. It doesn't make us bad parents it just makes it more challenging. I also realize I could have it much worse- single parent, special needs child (physical or mental), or economically challenged. So please don't read and think "whiny women" :).

So onward into the weekend. Looking forward to some reading (obviously) and creating some positive memories for my kids and me.

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